The Stories We Live By:

How changing our stories transforms our lives

I don’t recall the exact moment the story metaphor took over my life; it unfolded gradually as I sought to understand why some people in similar circumstances remained hopeful while others surrendered. Why some believed they could achieve anything they set their minds to, while others did not. Why some managed to change their lives, while others remained stuck in the same old patterns.

I began studying psychology and learned about resilience, attributional styles (the way we typically explain causes of positive and negative events to ourselves), and limiting beliefs. However, these concepts seemed to be fragmented pieces of a larger psychological reality I didn’t yet understand. In the following years, I became convinced that this larger reality is the stories we tell ourselves about our lives.

First Encounter

The first book I encountered that explored the transformative power of stories was A Million Miles in a Thousand Years: What I Learned While Editing My Life by Donald Miller (2009). In this book, the author talks about a time in his life when a documentary film about him was being made. He discovers that his life is rather boring to be made into a movie, and feels compelled to make some changes. To make his story more engaging, he needs to define his mission and set bigger goals for himself:

“Nobody cries at the end of a movie about a guy who wants a Volvo. But we spend years actually living those stories, and expect our lives to be meaningful. The truth is, if what we choose to do with our lives won't make a story meaningful, it won’t make a life meaningful either.”

Indeed, we want to see stories that inspire, transform, and move us to the core. Yet, many of us shy away from living this way, preferring the familiar safety of our lives to the tumultuous reality of living like a hero.

The Theory

After reading this book, it took me years to realize that life is indeed a story. I mean this quite literally, because whenever we recount our lives, a story is exactly what we end up with. We organize the fragmented events stored in our memory in a way that makes sense, and come up with a narrative. In the words of the French philosopher Paul Ricœur, “On the deepest level, ... it is through the narrative function that memory is incorporated into the formation of identity”.

Simply put, we become who we are, recognizing our “me” as existing in time, and seeing ourselves as the same person from early childhood to late adulthood through the narrative process of organizing our memories.

The leading researcher on narrative identity, Dan McAdams, defines narrative identity as “the story of how I came to be the person I am becoming”. By the time we become adults, each of us has a story to tell. In fact, the title of this blog was inspired by the title of this book, The stories we live by: Personal myths and the making of the self. I highly recommend it if you're interested in learning more about narrative identity.

Research by Dan McAdams, Kate McLean and other scholars of narrative identity shows that the way we tell our story—its emotional tone, coherence, and direction—is connected to our well-being. Redemptive stories, where we conquer obstacles and triumph in the end, are better for our well-being than contaminative ones, where life gradually deteriorates or takes a downturn after an initial positive experience.

“The stories we tell about our lives are not simply accounts of our experiences, they also generate experiences: how we feel, what we think, what possibilities and obstacles we see for ourselves.”

— Margarita Tarragona.

Stories Are Everywhere

I now study narrative identity and conduct research on it as part of my master’s thesis in positive psychology. They say you become “infected” with your theme when you start recognizing traces of it everywhere, and it seems I have no hope of being cured anytime soon!

I see narratives in everything: the attribution styles described by Martin Seligman represent a way of making meaning from events to shape a particular story. Overcoming trauma and experiencing post-traumatic growth become possible once we incorporate trauma into our life narrative and derive new meaning from adverse events. Similarly, the midlife crisis can be interpreted as the uncomfortable realization that every human story must end and the need to come to terms with where one's story is headed, sometimes attempting to steer it toward a different finale.

“While you can't control your experiences, you can control your explanations.”

— Martin E.P. Seligman

It is within our power to take the raw material of our lives and craft a better story. We can choose not only how to interpret past events, but also what possible future to imagine. Behind nearly every success lies a story of one’s belief in the possibility of a desired outcome—not just that it is possible, but that it is possible for you.

I remember this shift in my belief when I started writing my book. I used to have this idea that I might write a book one day—sort of like an item on a bucket list, somewhere between “live in Asia for a year” and “learn to surf”—to be realized… well… never. At the time, I was in therapy, and through that process, the idea of writing a book gradually moved closer to me, and took root in my mind. At a certain point, I began to believe that writing a book was something I could actually accomplish.

The same thing happened when I sent my manuscript to one of the top publishers in Russia. If I had never believed that getting published by them was possible for me, I wouldn’t have even tried. My book was released two years ago, a direct result of changing my story of what was achievable.

Can Our Stories Be Changed?

Since then, I began to question every story I ever held true, and continue to do so still, most recently even that of my body. “I can’t lose weight” became “losing weight is pretty straightforward”, and I’m well on my way to my fitness goal now.

I began to believe that any meaningful change begins with a change in story—of how things work, or even of who you are. When you start telling yourself a different story, your feelings and actions follow suit, and that’s when real change occurs.

Moreover, it's crucial to understand that our stories are not fiction. The various ways we explain things and imagine different outcomes must still ring true; otherwise, we risk losing touch with the real world. Narration is not a way to escape reality; rather, it is a creative act of shaping it.

To change your story, you first need to become aware of it. Reflection, journaling, and conversations with others, including a therapist, are excellent ways to evaluate your current narrative. In fact, I discovered a helpful life hack from a research study by Abigail Blyler and Martin Seligman. The participants in this study were instructed to record 50 random stream-of-consciousness thoughts over 48 hours. The researchers then asked ChatGPT to help formulate a personal narrative based on those thoughts (instructions and prompts can be found here). When I tried this, I was deeply moved and cried. A helpful hint: after this exercise, you can also use AI to assist you in designing narrative change interventions.

As Daryl Bem suggested in his self-perception theory, when we act differently, we begin to see ourselves differently. Hence, the key to changing your story is action. When we begin to act in new ways, our internal narrative can finally shift and flow toward a new imagined ending.

What story are you telling yourself today—and what new ending could you imagine?

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Maria Dolganova is a wellbeing expert based in Moscow. She is currently pursuing a Master's degree in positive psychology, where she researches narrative identity as part of her thesis. With a background in economics, she is a certified happiness trainer (Happiness Studies Academy) and a WOHASU-certified wellbeing consultant. Maria is the author of «Обычный вторник» (“An Ordinary Tuesday”, Alpina Publisher, 2023), and the creator of the YouTube channel “The Government of Happiness” and the Telegram channel “The Science of a Happy Life”, which help popularize the science of wellbeing in Russia.

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Photo credit: Suzy Hazelwood (Pexels)