5 Things I Learned the Hard Way in Parenting.
- Mar 31
- 5 min read
Parenting has a way of humbling us. No matter how much we read, plan, or promise ourselves we will “do better,” raising children often brings us face to face with our own limits, fears, and expectations. I used to think good parenting meant getting it right. Over time, I learned something much more freeing: parenting is not about perfection, but about presence, repair, growth, and the willingness to stay open to learning.
Like many mothers, I entered parenthood with love, hope, and a quiet pressure to be everything my children always needed. But motherhood does not unfold in neat theories or perfect scripts.
In many ways, this is what inspired my book, 99 Mistakes I Made as a Mom and What I Wish I Knew. It was born not from expertise, but from honesty. From the realization that some of the most important lessons in parenting are the ones we learn the hard way.
Here are five of them.
1. Lead by example more than by instruction
Children notice far more than we think. They learn not only from what we tell them, but from how we live, how we handle stress, how we speak to ourselves, and how we treat others. I have learned that parenting is, in many ways, a mirror. If I want my daughters to be kind, resilient, respectful, and emotionally aware, then I have to practice those things myself.
Developmental research supports this emphasis on responsive, relational presence. The Center on the Developing Child at Harvard describes “serve and return” interactions, the back-and-forth exchanges between children and caring adults, as a key part of building healthy brain architecture and supporting early social and language development. In other words, what shapes children most deeply is not flawless performance, but repeated, responsive connection.
2. Children do not need a perfect mother. They need a human one
One of the most liberating lessons I have learned is that perfection is not only impossible in parenting, but also unnecessary. Dr. Tal Ben-Shahar has written and taught extensively about the ways perfectionism undermines happiness, arguing that the “pursuit of perfect” can become a major internal obstacle to well-being. That insight feels especially relevant in motherhood, where unrealistic standards can so easily turn love into pressure.
There is no such thing as a flawless mother. There is only a real one: loving, trying, tired, growing, sometimes getting it wrong. For a long time, I believed that mistakes meant I was failing. Now I see them differently. Mistakes are not proof of inadequacy; they are part of being fully human.
When we give ourselves permission to be human, we also give that permission to our children. We show them that worth is not built on performance, and that love does not disappear when things get messy.
3. “Good enough” is often more than enough
The idea of the “good enough” mother can feel uncomfortable at first, especially in a world that celebrates optimization and constant self-improvement. But there is something deeply healing in letting go of the fantasy that we must always know the right thing to say, do, or feel.
Being a good mother does not mean being endlessly patient, endlessly available, or endlessly certain. It means being present enough, loving enough, and willing enough to repair, reflect, and return. It means understanding that consistency matters more than perfection.
This is also where self-compassion becomes so important. Research summarized by Kristin Neff and colleagues links self-compassion with greater resilience and well-being, and materials focused specifically on parents suggest that self-compassion is associated with lower stress and greater life satisfaction in challenging parenting contexts. That matters, because the way we speak to ourselves becomes part of the emotional climate our children grow up inside.
4. Strengths spotting changes the atmosphere of a home
Parenting can easily become dominated by correction: don’t do that, not now, be careful, try harder. Of course, guidance is part of the job, but I have learned how powerful it is to intentionally notice what is already good.
When we learn to spot strengths in our children, we begin to relate to them differently. We see not only what needs shaping, but what is already shining. Courage. Sensitivity. Humor. Persistence. Curiosity. Kindness. Each child carries their own emotional and character strengths, and when those qualities are noticed, they often grow.
This perspective is strongly aligned with positive psychology. The VIA Institute describes strengths-based parenting as an emerging research area focused on parents recognizing, encouraging, and reinforcing their children’s character strengths. Related research on children’s strengths has linked character strengths with important dimensions of well-being and positive development.
The same is true for us as parents. We spend so much energy focusing on what we did wrong that we forget to acknowledge what we are doing right. Strengths spotting is not denial or blind positivity. It is a more balanced, hopeful way of seeing. And in a family, that shift can change everything.
5. Learn to fail, or fail to learn
Perhaps the hardest lesson of all is this: mistakes are not interruptions to parenting. They are part of it. Every mother has moments she wishes she could redo. Words said too sharply. Worries carried too heavily. Times she was distracted, impatient, or too hard on herself.
But what if our mistakes are not only something to regret? What if they are also invitations to grow? Some of the most meaningful moments in parenting do not come from getting it right the first time. They come from repair. From saying, “I’m sorry.”
Alongside that repair must come self-compassion. Many of us assume that being hard on ourselves will make us better parents. But the research on self-compassion suggests otherwise: kindness toward us can support coping, resilience, and healthier motivation.
Parenting has also taught me that joy can coexist with guilt, mess, and uncertainty. It is not a flawless experience, and it was never meant to be. It is a deeply human one. Perhaps happiness in family life does not come from doing everything right, but from allowing love, growth, gratitude, and grace to exist right in the middle of the imperfection.
Dr. Tal Ben-Shahar has often spoken about the danger of perfectionism and the importance of embracing our full humanity. Parenting may be one of the clearest places where this lesson comes alive. Our children do not need us to be flawless. They need us to be real, loving, growing, and willing to begin again.
That may not be perfect parenting, but it may be the happiest kind.
References:
Ben-Shahar, T. (2009). The pursuit of perfect: How to stop chasing perfection and start living a richer, happier life. McGraw-Hill.
Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University. (n.d.). Serve and return interaction shapes brain circuitry. https://developingchild.harvard.edu/resources/videos/serve-return-interaction-shapes-brain-circuitry/
Neff, K. (n.d.). What is self-compassion? YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1j6iOgCVfJM
VIA Institute on Character. (n.d.). Character strengths and parenting. https://www.viacharacter.org/research/findings/character-strengths-and-parenting
Luca Firanescu Shaked is a writer, speaker, podcaster, and most importantly, a wife and a mother who has spent years exploring the messy, beautiful realities of parenting and relationships. She is the founder of the “Relocate to Happiness” platform, helping people to prioritize their mental health.
In her book “99 Mistakes I Made as a Mom and What I Wish I Knew”, she draws on research from positive psychology, child development, and family therapy, as well as her own lived experience. Her mission is to create honest conversations that make parents feel less alone and more connected, to themselves, to their children, and to each other. She believes that by naming our struggles, we give one another permission to breathe a little easier.
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